Vold N Furter
by cressey
Summary: This is pure crack. Voldermort in suspenders. I own nothing. Please dont be sick. rated M just because of the sensitive subject.


DONT TAKE THIS SERIOUS. Please refrain from vomiting at your computers. I hope i did this right. ITS KATIE'S FAULT! :D

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Ron struggles against Fenrirs grip, shouting and verbally cursing him as they get closer and closer to the front doors of the mansion. They were in trouble, big, big, world ending trouble. If only he could get Hermione out of here somehow! His ginger locks had fallen across his eyes as he is pushed up the porch steps and straight into the closed front door. He felt his nose crunch, and whimpers as Hermione verbally castrates the Werewolf. Who knew she had such a strong vocabulary? The door opens up and light floods out into the night. Ron looks through his hair and the pain, to see a rather smug, extremely slimy Lucius Malfoy staring down at him. Malfoy steps aside, allowing Fenrir to shove Ron into the hall, forcing him to fall over with his hands still tied behind his back. He face plants the marble floor and almost starts to cry. He couldn't remember ever being as scared as he was right then... and then he remembered Aragog and a damp patch spread itself down his trouser leg. Now he really felt like crying, as he curled up into a foetal position and rocked himself.

Hermione looked down at Ron in disgust. How she ever thought he was a man she would never know, but she had. She looks up at Malfoy with pure distaste in her eyes and he smiles as he bows his head to her.

"The master will be down shortly, sorry I can't make this, a little bit more comfortable for you," He grins evilly at her as Bellatrix skips across the hall into the dining room.

"Ronny wonny pissed his kegs," She's singing as she disappears out of sight. Its then that Hermione looks up to the top of the stairs, and has to stop her gag reflexes from working.

"Voldermort," She grimaces at the very sight of him as he walks down the stairs with his cloak hiding his body.

"How do you do I," Voldermort reaches the bottom of the stairs and takes his cloak off. Hermione almost bursts a blood vessel as she sees what he's wearing underneath it... or the lack there of.

"see you've met my," size 11 stilettos (English sizes) clad his bony feet, black lace stockings, run up his bald legs, held up by a matching hussy belt, frilly lace knickers cover the bulge and a matching bask adorns his bone pail torso. Hermione feels like she's stepped into the twilight zone.

"faithful handyman" Voldermort tone, seems very singsongy to her. Her brain doesn't feel like she can keep up with what's going on. Ron looks up, and simply passes out on the floor.

"He's just a little brought down," He walks over to her, slips a bony finger under her chin, and makes her look up at him. She almost dry heaves at the light in his soulless eyes. He leans forward and whispers tunefully in her ear,

"Because when you knocked, he thought you were the Candyman," He turns away sharply, with a flick of his wrist in the air as he sashays towards Lucius who is chuckling and grinning to himself as he openly eyes the obviously bonkers dark lord. Voldermort turns back to her, and starts to all out sing. Hermione seriously starts to believe that maybe, just maybe, all them months in hiding have turned her crazy. She could be in a ditch somewhere, passed out and bleeding to death for all she really knew... and this was what her mind was doing to her?

"Don't get strung out, by the way that I look," Voldermort points at her as his hips sway to his own rhythm.

"Don't judge a book by its cover," He winks at her and her stomach turns upside down.

"I'm not much of a man, by the light of day," He strokes his own face.

"But by night I'm one hell of a lover," He strokes Lucius's face and Hermione Vomits all over the marble floor. She's retching and heaving, clutching her stomach as she tries to drive the images out of her mind. She's shaking as she stumbles towards Lucius grabs his wand points it towards her temple and Avada Kadavras herself.

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Please dont flame me I'll cry. but reviews are very welcome.


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